Misogynist women: a candid post

The story is all too familiar. Years of hurt and seething resentment. Words sharpened like knives against each other. Bottled up frustrations unleashed without discretion. Uninvolved onlookers. Love dying a systematic and early death. And a lifetime of bitterness at choosing such a self-destructive path.

Welcome to the world of women against women.

It would be a cliche to say that we live in a hypocrtical society. Hypocrisy seeps deep into the personal relationships of the average Indian household. And marriages are its worst victims. Not many Indians can transcend the barrier of in-lawhood, because that would involve reviewing thoroughly how adult life changes relationships and assigning a new set of priorities to never lose sight of. It would also require that new values are accepted and old one reviewed and modified if they don't stand the test of honesty. For this we must be prepared to face the glaring contradictions between what we profess to believe  and what we preach to others on the one hand and what we practice on the other. Women typically are too judgemental, too involved in each other's lives and too full of resentments and unjust affections and preferences. While the men either want to keep away from the whole business or add to the hurt of the wife who has to put up with the feeling of being second-rate all life.

That is an unfair comment full of stereotypes, but the stereotype is too powerful because it is so close to the truth. Thankfully, there are many exceptions but there are also innumerable unfortunate instances of reality to support such a conclusion. Many women never experience emancipation from these tangles, except those who are lucky enough to be in families where a healthier atmosphere persists right from the beginning. And many men don't even think the problem is serious: to them, they are figments of a woman's imagination.

The problems are most often psychological, often with a significant aspect of the financial. The first depends mostly on caution with words and honesty with actions. The latter has to be accepted as a genuine criterion whose effective management is necessary for happiness. We are usually too quick to say that money is not everything. But the people who make this remark are most likely to use it only to paint the other person into a corner with a moral responsibility they themselves avoid easily. It doesn't help to neglect the M-factor. Keep it clear. Be practical and calculative while letting your warmth guide your desires but keeping sentiment at bay while making decisions to earn, acquire or spend.

So how do we deal with marriages in Indian society? What are the pain points women experience? The first step is to take them seriously, preempt them and stop them from building up. The second is to recognise where our duties towards a person -- be it spouse, parents or children -- begin and end. And to keep those demarcations clear all our life.

(To be continued.)